Posts Tagged ‘Return to me’

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I should be typing up notes for work.  I should be reading a book or accomplishing the many assignments due next week for grad school.  Yet I find myself here.   In this place.  A place of sadness, unrest and worry.

As I walked from the car and rode up six flights in an elevator, music was blaring in my ear yet my thoughts overrode the hypnotizing beat.  I walked into your hospital room, hoping for the best but expecting the worse.  We’ve been here before: you and I.  You not knowing who I am and I struggling to keep my emotions inward as to not upset you.  But you are asleep now…. So I can let the tears flow and allow these words to mend my heart and pray that you “return to me.”

I keep telling myself that any moment you will bounce back and I will get more time with you.  You’ve been through so much and I know you are tired.  I know you miss dad.  I know you miss your old life.  But your grandson needs you.  Honestly, I still need you.  Return to me.

This is something I never learned in a textbook.  There was not a lesson taught in school.  My parent’s did not warn me about this when we were growing up.   How do you prepare yourself for  a task as great as this?  She is now my child and I am her mom.  When she is in trouble, she cries out for me.  When I am in trouble, I cry out for ….God.  I’m okay with this.  I’m okay with what God has entrusted to me.  I can do this….but only if you return to me.

I know one day it won’t be so.  I know that one day you will leave me and not return.  I’m slowly but surely preparing myself but that day is not today.  It’s not the day you say goodbye.  You will live and declare the works of the Lord.

The Lord….  The heavenly Being who knows all and sees all.  I wonder how many times He whispered in my ear “Return to Me.”   When I was wild and did not care about anyone except myself.  I wonder if He felt the way I do about her.  That aching in the core of my heart that cannot be quenched except for when her voice calls my name.

During this episode, like many before, you’ve cussed me out and kissed my forehead.  You’ve been ugly and sweet.  You’ve cried and you have laughed.  But all is forgotten when you finally returns to me.  I forget the ugly names.  I forget the tears.  I even forget the laughter.  In that moment, nothing else matters but hearing you call my name.  Shannon.  Daughter.  Shannie.  Green bean.  Mom (when my son is around).  Hey you.  It matters not what you say, I will answer to them all with overabounding joy and relief.

I think about God’s love for us.  It is boundless and unconditional.  How many times have I cussed Him because of my own issues?  How many times have I  been ugly to Him but every time He has graciously taken me back.  With every foul word, he whispers “Return to Me.”  Can I be that persistent?  Can I be that loving?  Can I care that much?

The fact is, yes I can….

 “Love is patient.  Love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
…… Love never fails.”
1 Cor 13:4-8

This is my example of Love… how much more does the Father love us?   He chooses to look past our mess and see who He created us to be.  He chooses to cry out to us when we have run from Him.  He chooses to be the constant in our ever changing world.   The fact is, His love is simply amazing.

As I sit beside this hospital bed praying and hoping that she will return to me, I am reminded of a higher Force pleading the same phrase… Return to me…as a nation….as a family…as an individual.  The fact of the matter is, I do not care what the lab report says (although it’s important). I don’t care what the the doctor says (although his opinion is important).  All I care about is seeing the light back in her eyes.  God reminded me that He has no interest in what the leaders of the world have to say.  All He cares about is your response to his question:  “Will you return to Me?”

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