Mrs. Fix-It

Posted: February 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

So confession… I’ve been hanging on to this picture for about two months now.  I absolutely love it and the meaning behind it.  I kept trying to write a blog about it being “well with my soul” when life comes in and shakes my world up but for some reason I couldn’t get further into the blog than a few sentences.  I would erase what I wrote and start again.  I have done this for the past two months but then yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.  This picture isn’t about it being well with my soul.  It’s about my ability to see past the wave and gaze upon the One holding the wave back.

Confession #2:  While we are on confessions today, I have another one…  90% of the time, I have to be in control.   The odd thing is that I’m normally a very shy and subdued person.  If I don’t know you, (not being rude but) I probably won’t say anything to you.  You will get a nod and a smile and I will move on about my business.  I don’t have to be in control of the world but when it is concerning MY world, control is what I covet most.   Up until a few years ago, God has “allowed” me to play out this delusion called control and I was quite content.  If a problem came my way, I’d find somehow to fix it  If something was out of place in MY world, I’d quickly put it back and continue on my journey.  In essence, I would nod and smile at the problems and move on.

I guess a few years ago God had enough of my pretend utopia and decided that I needed a dose of reality.  He began to allow the waves to overtake my sinking boat.  The problems I could “fix” were suddently not fixable and things were not only out of place but pretty much like Humpty Dumpty… “All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty back together again.” Ever try to glue back together a shattered mirror?  Yeah, not happening.

Cue devil…  This is where the devil came in and began to sift me.  Keep in mind that God allowed the devil entrance into MY world.   A series of events started to occur which began my spiral downward and ultimately caused my world to turn completely upside down.

My husband left me…again… and again…  Oh wait, and again…  I love my husband.  In fact, I can say he is my soul mate but the devil has him caught up.  My dear husband can’t see past himself to find God and leave the world behind.  Does that mean I love him any less?  No.  But when I started to try to put my “fixing hands” on his life, it began to cause severe problems within our marriage.  It’s like every time I tried to “fix” something, he walked a step further to the edge.   Paul wasn’t kidding when he said not to be unequally yoked – It’s rough.   Anyways… Needless to say, I wasn’t in control anymore…

Then I can honestly say the worst thing imaginable happened…My father passed away… He was my “Superman.”  I could call on him at ANY time for ANY thing and he would come.  He died of a brain aneurysm that burst.  The neurosurgeon told me that it was like “flipping a light switch off.”  Well, I turned my world off at that moment.  I couldn’t “fix” that.  No matter how many times I put my hands on him and prayed, he wasn’t coming back.  I could not make everything “OK” because it wasn’t.  I can still see him laying in the ER intubated.  I laid my head on his chest and began to tell him how much I loved him.  Would he hear?  No.   All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put him back together again.  I couldn’t “fix” my mom’s emotions.  She was already in a fragile state because of prior strokes.  I was afraid that I would lose her as well.  She came into the ER that morning and looked at me asking, “Is everything ok?” with her eyes.  As she began to sob, I knew was not in control.  I couldn’t undo the hurt she was experiencing.  I couldn’t put my hands in the mess and turn it back to blue skys.  … sigh…

Last year I lost a part of who I was in the way of a ministry I was able to be a part of.  Again, nothing I could do would fix what I had shattered.  The mirror, no matter how many times I tried to glue it together was still flawed and unusable.  During this whole time of my world falling apart, I began to allow those things I had hidden in my heart to surface.  The bitterness, resentfulness and anger that I buried so deep down dug themselves to the surface and caused me to fall into a pit of self-pity and despair.  I was so out of control, I almost took my own life – If it weren’t for my son, I probably would have…. But you see, where I became out of control, God became IN CONTROL. 

It was almost as if He said, “FINALLY!”  Rather than focusing on the wave, I began to focus more on the One holding the wave back.   Don’t let me fool you, I have been to hell and back this past year and have been at the lowest of lows, but God is teaching me through this season to NOT see the drowning wave.  As MY world crumbled down, I began to see HIS world.  Even right now, I’m tempted to try to put my hands on situations that I know I cannot fix.  I am so overwhelmed by MY world that there are times I cannot see straight (literally) but I try to keep this one truth at the forefront of my mind:  God IS in control.

So I want to encourage you today.  Are you in the boat pictured above?  Don’t focus on the waves.  Don’t focus on the sails or lack or wind.  Don’t even focus on the water but focus on the One who holds you in the palm of His hand.  He’s got you and NOTHING will ever change that!

#SharingHisPeace

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Comments
  1. Lori says:

    Thank you for this. I so needed your words today. I will focus on him and not the trials or the things bringing to tears and wanting to hide from the world. Bless you for sharing your journey. XXOO

  2. SharingHisPeace says:

    I totally understand sweetie. My world seems to be crusing at an altitude that I cannot reach and seems to be flying faster than I can run. I feel so overwhelmed and underqualified it’s not even funny. But God reminds me, “I’m in control.” Remember, He doesn’t call the qualified but qualifies the called. He’s got this Lori, just trust Him.

  3. Lori says:

    Thank you Shannon! XXOO

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